04/04/2016
At the end of the day when we lay our heads to rest, what really matters to you? Is it the number of smiles you exchanged with a stranger, how many steps you took on your pedometer, how you are physically feeling, or more concrete; how much money you earned at work, how many academic classes you attended to enrich your book smarts?
I’ve recently asked myself what matters to me because when health deteriorates, I am forced, but also secretly blessed, to look at the world from a much more acute perspective. I smell the luscious looking flower while walking into my morning class. Feel the dew and silky petals between my fingers. The world moves slower when the limited physical energy I am given makes itself known. There is no space for wasting time on material pleasures or vanity. My time is precious and spent in a pure fashion, in hopes of restoring that physical and spiritual energy back to where they have once been.
This is my current stage of life. And as a warrior going through life with an autoimmune disease, I ask myself what really matters at the end of my day. Today what matters is finally having a somewhat concrete answer from my GI Doctor regarding why I’ve been given the pain and suffering over these last three months without any answers. I feel as though I was given this shooting and searing pain for some bigger reason.
What matters is not how many drugs I can be put on to suppress my immune system, what matters is why there are ulcerations throughout my delicate interior, why I have no external manifestations to illustrate to others the magnitude of the flare, why I’ve had to fight for disability accommodations to give me time to rest, why has it come to this.
There is a problem here. It takes time to understand the WHY of all patients. The cause. It is not right for doctors to have five minutes with their patient and be hurried through the examination. A cause is not commonly found (in my situation). I’m going off on a tangent here but it’s important and I’ll revisit this later.
In finding out what really matters to us at the end of their day, when we tuck ourselves into our warm and protective beds at night, we need to take the time to speak up. When life deals me a blow, a harsh harsh blow that I immediately fight, it takes time to speak out and try to understand the WHY.
Tonight I lay my seemingly bruised and battered mind to sleep and do not understand the why of this day. All I know is that what matters are those around me. Those beautiful souls who take the time to care. Take the time to speak up and say I’m here. You don’t have to fight through this on your own. And for that, I am one step closer to understanding the bigger reasoning behind this fight.