2/20/24
It's hard to explain when your body speaks for you - because it is not intellectual wisdom that is coming from your thoughts. The feelings that are moving through your body come from within you, within your soul. As your soul is just housed in your body, the body makes the soul's wounds visible. I've struggled with my health since 2009, and have probably hundreds of memories stored within me that are living in my body - all connected to these medical traumas.
Medical PTSD comes out in front of your words. For me, it comes out in a highly exasperated feeling of fear. It comes when a slight paper cut feels like I am fighting for my life again.
It will take me more time and healing work to understand these parts of this medical trauma. Because I have cuffitis now, a minor UC flare, when I was originally told by the PA - the fear took over every part of me. I haven't cried those massive tears in a long time.
There was a part of me that explained we need to brace for the worst-case scenario here because it has happened in the past. I felt like I would get as deathly ill as I have been in the past. However, this is not practically my present life. I have a speed bump in my health journey. That is all.
But I do know that fear comes from innate wisdom in my soul - that I've been to death's door and I will do everything that I possibly can do to avoid that again.